. . . Tupperware Cities . . .

Wednesday, January 31

 

Alas, this girl is at work. Of course I'm not working, but today it's different; mid-term elections fucked up the Florida state government and now all of these bullshit regulations are being passed, rates and rules are in limbo so I basically CANNOT do my job until we get the green light on a bunch of standard operating procedures. Wow that is fucking BORING.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to go out to some bar in Tampa called "The Castle" with my friend Steve. I HATE meeting people at bars, HATE it. I have this weird phobia that if I haven't been to a place before I cannot be the first person to go in; I know grow up, right? But it's my thing.. it just.. a weird slight fear of crowds. An extrovert with a fear of crowds...geez I'm a paradox. Apparently the real draw to the place is a 40 year old guy who wears a tu-tu and calls himself the "Senator". Now I'm realizing, after having typed that last sentence that 40 years old is really not that old. I'll be 40 in a handful of years, and maybe people I know are already pushing that milestone. Interesting. When did I get old?

Oh fuck, I forgot to have children.

Lynnette 10:41 AM

 

Well, it's over...

The Preacher, by Garth Ennis, all nine graphic novels.

I done finished it all up, see.

I know of only two other people who have read the Preacher and neither one of them will respond to my emails, nor talk to me online. Therefore I am left out in the cold, fumbling for people with whom to talk about the comic.

It was fucking amazing. Near the end I could hardly see the pages through all of my tears. I'm not going to spoil any of it here, in case anyone hasn't read it. Just…just go fucking read it so I have someone to talk to about it, god damn!

Lynnette 7:54 AM

Monday, January 29

 

I've decided that I need to keep two books with me at all times.

Today, in the waiting room at my doctor's office, I finished Book 7 of the Preacher series...peered into my purse and the kicked myself for not shoving Book 8 in there as well. Fuck. So I sat and listened to some bitch go on and on about an inheritance she and her husband were in for 5%... something to that effect. It was the type of conversation people when they want people to hear them. Showing off, I suppose?

For me it was just plain fucking annoying. Oooooooooooooh, April 16th, come on baby, hurry up for momma.

Also, I have shitty news for myself: I can't masturbate for two weeks. Can you fucking believe it? No porn, no porn, no porn. Because we all know what happens when people start looking at porn. Ya know. Orgasms happen. *cheers* Here's to a dry two weeks of hell.

Lynnette 4:45 PM

 

So my friend Paul and I were discussing my status as a singleton. Here's a snippet:


me: But let's be honest for a minute Paul...
Who can resist me? I'm charming, I'm funny, intelligent and I have great gams. I'm the whole package for cryin out loud. heh
fauxbot: this is true
the problem is now making the sale
and we're not all great salespeople. you can't sell ice to inuits
i think it's that geriatriczone you're in that's a problem
me: true. this is the problem. F*ck. i was never a good salesperson.
i'm like "hey buy this, it rocks"
fauxbot: i think it's a location problem
me: the retail foreplay was never my strong suit
fauxbot: ha haha
me: heh
fauxbot: "yo, what's up? you know you want this shit!"
me: HAHA yeah that's my strategy. i'm learning the hard way that doesn't work with the type of guys i want to be with. it works with the guys i END UP with.. but not my .. not what i'm shooting for.

Lynnette 7:56 AM

Saturday, January 27

 

I've come to the conclusion, after review the events of my weekend, that I may be single for the forseeable future....and I can see a loooooooong way into the future.

Why?

Because my weekend was spent playing World of Warcraft, reading and feverishly purchasing MORE comics (first two volumes of Constantine, and The Boys a Garth Ennis project that was dropped by DC after issue 7 became too graphic.. woot!), eating microwaves burritos, Pringles, and drinking PBR. When did I become a 24 year old boy?

Well...I dunno about all that. Fuck it. I'm enjoying myself, and ya know.. it's who I am. Time for more PBR.

Lynnette 5:28 PM

Thursday, January 25

 

She didn't even stop talking when she handed me the box of tissues. Out of courtesy I didn't look her in the eye because I would have ended up telling her to fuck off and subsequently punching her.

All I heard, as I pressed the cheap ass tissue into my eyes so hard I saw spots, was her blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah oh and this procedure may make it more difficult or even impossible to have children one day.

My glare caused the fastest back-peddling this world will ever witness. It may, may, it's a possibility of increased risk. Yeah bitch have a fucking heart. I'm sure you're a nice person but heartless is not the way to tell someone they have cells that may develop cancer.

And the cherry of it all? I had to wait 45 minutes to hear that shit. I hope you get hit by a fucking bus.

So in my suddenly rational, half in shock half pissed off, state of mind I drove to the grocery store and bought the one thing I knew would make me feel better: a 2 liter of Barq's root beer. And man...I know this happened several years ago, but this time it's different; I'm going to have to go through this all alone.

Time to escape on Azeroth. Life is truly beautiful sometimes.

Lynnette 3:12 PM

 

You know you’re playing too much world of warcraft when the first thought in your head when your alarm goes off is: “I wonder what level I’ll be able to train to cast ‘Scorch’?”

Holy fuck the coffee in the breakroom tastes like ass. Why am I drinking coffee? I don’t know! Why did I go to bed at 2am? Because when you’re tipsy it takes a while to come. Then after my “me” time, I went into the kitchen and had my breakfast: onion bagel, cream cheese, and a bunch of tomato slices… at 2am? wtfomg

No more wowing with the alcohol; it leads to retarded discussions of vodka and blowjobs and my blood elf is lagging behind…fuck. Focus!!

Lynnette 8:14 AM

Wednesday, January 24

 

IRL vs. WoW conflict...

Oh dear christ what did I agree to? Why could I have done this to myself, but why, WHY? *sigh*

I've agreed to give up my valuable WoW time for an evening with some girls, Saturday night, to watch and subsequently make fun of, Miss America. Now you see I have a history of Miss America watching with my mom...when I was a kid.

I'm an adult. Should I still be watching Miss America? Ya know...when I have...um...some major leveling to do with my blood elf on World of Warcraft.

I just answered my own question. Oh yeah baby, cower from my nerdocity!

Lynnette 7:41 AM

Tuesday, January 23

 

Went to the dentist last night; full mouth of x-rays revealed I had zero cavities. Thrilling, I know, but I was glad.

Sheesh. Nothing else happened in my life yesterday. Work, dentist, WoW. Rock.

Lynnette 9:57 AM

Monday, January 22

 

This morning on the way to work I saw a woman dressed in a Liberty statue costume smoking a cigarette. It's okay, we were in Pinellas Park, home of the toothless, smoking, bike-riding, no license havin' mutha fuckas.

OH man. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.

I've set a goal. I'm going to hit 60 before the end of February. Mark my words, I'm gonna do it!!

Lynnette 7:38 AM

Sunday, January 21

 

Woke up in a good mood. Why? Why is that anything to be questioned...

So I'm in love with Ben Folds again. I have their albums, all his albums, and from time to time I completely forget I have them. Then I was at Walgreen's and I heard the song "Landed"...and I immediately felt guilty for neglecting my cds.

Just gooooood shit. I like music I can sing LOUDLY to in the car. I didn't say I sang well, but I can sing quite LOUDLY, especially when I am fairly certain nobody is listening...that's when I sing the loudest.

Does anyone wanna level up my blood elf? I'll pay you with like.. hugs.

Lynnette 11:59 AM

Saturday, January 20

 

ooooooooh the PBR hangover. sheeeeesh.

i love my boots. i love my boots. i love my boots.

fuck. and now i'm going for like a 5 mile walk. i should really have planned my weekend better.

and i SO have no clue how this happened:

How well do you know Iron Maiden?
Maiden Fanatic! Congradulations! Your are a true Maiden fan, you know your shit. Give yourself a pat on the back for knowing about on of the greatest rock bands on Earth.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

Lynnette 11:22 AM

Thursday, January 18

 

One of the highlights of this day was my two walks. Each break, at 10:15 and 3:15 (or whenever I fucking leave my desk in the afternoon), I walk about 20 minutes around the neighborhood behind the my office building. Most of the time the doberman that lives down the block barks twice, and leaves me alone. The leaves are never crunchy and I have yet to be honked at (which is amazing).

I'm attempting to develop a good habit; regular exercise. Sure, sure I'm walking but I want to get back into running eventually....and possibly soon. Ironically WoW is the best diet I know of; I sit on my ass and do nothing but drink water for hours on end. I mean, sure if we're waiting for a queue, I might grab some carrots and hummus, but unlike Cartman I don't sit and stuff my face full of mallowmars (do they still make those? Hm... I've never had one, come to think of it).

*checks queue*

I am in position 121. Gay.

If I continue to remind myself to walk twice a day, eventually it will become second nature, like flossing in the evening and taking my vitamins has become. Yes, I am a flosser. When the dentist asks "How often do you floss?" I can answer honestly, every day...exceptin' for like when I'm really drunk or like... hm. super drunk. But usually I just give an arbitrary number, laugh at their fuckin jokes and lean back for the teeth cleaning. I go back on Monday. I have never feared the dentist, like some.

*checks queue*

I am in position 98. Well...less gay.

My ex Matty, who was a real fucking asshole to me, actually apologized the other day. That was weird, simply because I assumed I would never to talk to him again. Apologies are nice, especially when they're not expected, I guess.

Look at Bender with the whole dealing and moving on. Go Bender. Dudes, it's been a fucked up week for me.

Lynnette 9:43 PM

Wednesday, January 17

 

I have called I don't know HOW many fucking people trying to find someone to talk to. I'm in one of those moods where I HAVE to TALK to SOMEONE or I am going to blow a gasket. Having a bit of a crying lag today, even called in "sick" to work. Sick gets the airquotes because it's not possible to call into work depressed. Which, I would say, I am.

Even called my stepdad JUST to have someone to talk to, and he SUCKS at peptalks. Fuck it. I'm gonna go read Preacher book three because I cannot fucking play World of Warcraft any longer today. Fucking hell.

I need friends. I need to get out of Florida. There is nobody for me here. Nobody.

Lynnette 7:59 PM

Monday, January 15

 

Woe is I

I just realized my two friends, Paul and Olivia, with whom I chat all fucking day are probably not working today. One works for a university and the other for a state office. Fuck.

Nobody to talk to all damned day.

Lynnette 8:10 AM

Sunday, January 14

 

I wrote my letter. Now I'm going to read for awhile.

Lynnette 9:35 PM

Friday, January 12

 

Thank you Paul, for my Otis Redding bootleg at the Whiskey a Go Go. You made my day. *kisses*

Lynnette 5:09 PM

 

The beginning of the end, I'm going to move into a cave and never see any of you again...

I want to cut all of my skin off Buffalo Bill style, make a jacket and mail it to my dermatologist with a big "fuck you" written on the card.

At this point, I could hang with the X-Men. So so not happy. I have to get well before my brother's wedding or I won't attend. I won't.

If one more person asks me about my skin today I am going to tell them to fuck off, and not politely, and not quietly. I don't give a fuck if my manager hears me. Fire my ass, it would be a blessing in disguise.

Frankly I don't give a fuck who reads this. Not many people do and if you read this and it grosses you out well a big fuck you. Don't read it anymore.

Around Thanksgiving I broke up with my coward boyfriend, had my first urinary tract infection (that was lovely and painful) and also had a slight case of.. Oh I dunno... strep throat maybe? I also quit taking my birth control pills which had been making me borderline suicidal and a real fucking bore. Around this time I also had a slight nervous breakdown and decided that I could no longer live in Florida, alone, isolated, and suffocating in the humidity.

It should come as no surprise that with all this stress in my life, all at once, my psoriasis acted up. Sure it was on my elbows, great, I can deal with that, no problemo. Then it was on my neck, and my back, and my stomach, and then dudes, it got on Bender's fucking face. Hell fuck no. I cannot cover my face as I am not employed as a gimp and cannot wear a black leather mask to work. I went to one doctor who told me after trying some topical cream that well.. you're fucked. She said it in more medical terms, naturally, but that's what I heard. I heard "you're fucked" because her only suggestion to me, after begging her for other options, was injections twice a week of biotics. Biotics, dudes, fucking biotics. Biotics are basically a drug that is manufactured from animal cells. It would suppress my immune system and possible (50% success rate) fix my psoriasis.

BUT, before I start the injections I need to have a Tuberculosis test and a four blood tests for four different types of fucking arthritis. So if I am a carrier for TB I cannot take the drug. If I test negative for all the types of arthritis the injections would not be suitable for my condition. So...

That leads me to this: I AM FUCKED. FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED. Which is why I want to cut off my skin Buffalo Bill style, and mail it to her, only because I have nobody to blame, not even myself. I haven't had this for 16 years and now, NOW of all times it decides to creep into my life and ruin it. I fucking hate you, immune system, I fucking hate you.

Fuck that crap about "oh you have to love yourself". I have been loving myself, and I have been taking care of myself, and I eat well, and I walk every day, and I do my chores and brush my teeth, and wipe my ass. Unfortunately, some how the universe has decided that I apparently don't deserve to lead a charmed life.

Lynnette 8:09 AM

Thursday, January 11

 

The Preacher...

So I decided to believe someone when they suggested that I read this comic called "The Preacher".

What's it about?, I asked. I was promised blood, gore, God, vampires, incest and nudey bits. Sure I was intrigued, but I figured it was drawn horribly and would not hold my interest... you know how boys are.

Well I'd like to thank Jeffy for the recommendation. It is fucking awesome. I bought the first one, finished it that night and had to hit the bookstore directly after work the next night to pick up the second. Then I got smart and said fuck this shit...ordered Books 3-9 on amazon.com and they should be here this weekend.

In the meantime, I am also reading "Heart of the Dog" by Mikael Bulgokov, which is very interesting.

My brain is in two different places and I like it.

Lynnette 7:14 PM

 

DREAM: Brazil, Lil' Orphan Annie, and a fuckin' mall/zoo...

It started out with me somehow signing up to work on a cruise ship to Brazil. Me, Amy Sedaris, David Sedaris, and David's Boyfriend Hugh. The three of them were, of course, dressed to the nines, and actually owned white slacks. I, on the other hand, had brought nothing to go ashore in save for my favorite pair of jeans. I was the misfit, the underdressed, and of course they didn't want to be seen with me. Instead I decided to wander around the ship to see what I could get involved in.

The ship became a mall, and I was there with my cousins, Annie and Eric, my brother Nick, my aunt Kelly, and my mom and my stepdad. We were there specifically to see the Little Orphan Annie film. Everyone but Kelly sat in the center of the second row from the front; she took a spot on the right side about eight row back. NFC. As the movie started I realized this wasn't a movie I had seen before....Lil Orphan Annie was about 6 inches tall and rode a team of tiny horses behind a normal-sized train. When her horses couldn't keep up anymore, the conductor on the train picked her up, horses and all, and stuck her on the train. There was one song that, in the middle of, three movie theatre employees began to pass out popcorn balls, but only to the first two rows. Fortunately, I received one, unfortunately, I don't like popcorn. So I tossed mine back to my aunt, who asked me what the song was...why it sounded so familiar. I told her "it's a Light Bright, no it's a... oh I can't think of the name... Rainbow Bright, that's her name, it's a Rainbow Bright song!" As my aunt and I are having this discussion at normal voice volume, a woman dressed all in red shot me a glare and flipped me off. Fuckin' bitch. Anyhoo, the movie was only about 30 minutes long.

After the movie was over we wandered into the mall which was now also a zoo. There was a shoe store where just outside they had a prank they would pull on people walking by. Somehow I fell for it all the time. Just as a passerby was near the entrance to the store (because the mall was still present in the zoo, you see), two cats were let out of a small, hidden cage and took off running down the mall walk at full speed. It startled me and I clearly jumped, which was hugely entertaining to the teenagers working the shoe store.

Lynnette 5:37 AM

Tuesday, January 9

 

Semi-drunken ramblings, no need to read... truss it

So so tired, and now I'm a bit tipsy. Fuck it there was something in the fridge and my roommate didn't care.

And so, as Vonnegut would say, my world has been completely morphed in the span of a day. Up and down and back again. Or, as Bel Biv Devoe would say, slap up flip rub it down on no. But ... I digress.

I just bought a brand new graphic novel. It's very pretty, and it smells delicious. Books always smell wonderful to me; either virgin new, like the one sitting here in front of me, or old and dusty with a lot of history behind them that I tend to make up in my head. I fucking love books.

Also, I may be moving to Lincoln much much sooner than expected. By sheer will power, and mostly because people tend to do what I convince them they want to do (which makes me a natural leader, or a bitch... I dunno which), my roommate has decided she's moving to Lincoln as well. This is super keen for many reasons:

1) I won't have to live in a fucking apartment, and can rent yet another house.
2) I have already warned my roommate that I have annoying loud sex, her response "I have headphones". Fuck yeah.
3) It's always cheaper to live with someone, and I already live with someone who not only does the dishes, but won't fucking drink my milk. Hello, win-win.

Oh wait.... I just got interrupted. Yet another foolish man has not been able to detect my thinly veiled code on how to contact me through my personal ad on line. Hello I said I fucking BLOG here bitches. Learn to Google, or you're no good to me. Christ on a crutch. Anyhoo. Oh yes, my living situation...which is oh so exciting. Well if it's not, why are you continuing to read? ...

4) Did I mention I won't have to live in a fucking apartment?

I'm thrilled. It's like I have a wife who does dishes but I can fuck men whenever I want. Well ya know... I guess they would have to be willing....


Oh man, it's gonna be a dry year for Bender...mostly because... hold onto your.. whatevers...I just paid for a reserve copy of the World of Warcraft expansion, the Burning Crusade. Yes, and what's more?? Oh I know you wanna know...I actually planned for a vacation the next day from work. Why? Because I'm determined to spend the rest of my entire life being happy...and right now WoW is one of the few pleasures I have in life.

Why the fuck did I throw away my vibrator? Will someone tell me? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING............

Time to read.

Lynnette 9:22 PM

 

DREAM: Credits are fine for the Republic, but Buffy should always use cash...

It is freezing in my room. Okay, not Minneapolis freezing holy fuck is my car going to start this morning cold, but it's chilly.

I just slept 11 hours. Which was long enough to have some bizarre dreams.

First I dream that I was moving into my own apartment near Memorial Stadium in downtown Lincoln. On first glance it was a great little place. However, upon moving in I realized that not only were the windows drafty, but there were rats, a furnace with no cover and holy fuck it was right next to Memorial Stadium. What was I thinking.

Okay it's cold I either need to finish this blog or put some pants on.. I think I'll just keep going ... cuz there isn't much and FUCK it's cold.

Then... I dreamt that I was the new Slayer. Yes, as in the Vampire Slayer. Thee One. It was fucking annoying. So I found out when I was at the gas station filling my tank. I parked and was standing there holding the pump (do you realize it's some weird fucking law or something they can't have those little clips on the gas pumps in Florida so you can just set it up and then lean back and look cool? You have to STAND there and hold the fucking thing.. gay gay gay.. anyways.. where was I?), oh so I was parked and holding the pump when I realized that the gas station attendant was a bit too friendly. I mean she was watching me too carefully. I finished with the gas, and went inside to pay with a credit card. The attendant tried to lunge at me across the counter and I of course had to stake her. Fuck. Then as I'm running to my car I see a werewolf and had to stake it too. It dusted, isn't that weird? I looked up and saw a full moon, and then kicked myself for paying with a credit card because now the bitches know my name.

Then I peeled off in my car and the rest of the night I spent dreaming I was in the last scene of just about every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer... I'm exhausted.

Lynnette 6:12 AM

Monday, January 8

 

I am at work. Between the hours of 8:30am and 5:00pm EST I sit at a desk and look over insurance endorsements, process these endorsements, and answer the phone. Typically I am able to slack 80% of my day away, seeing as the bar was nearly dropped on someone's foot when they set the standards for production in this place.

I cannot stand being cooped up here any longer. I wonder if an office job is even for me. Why not join the fuckin' circus? Maybe I should go to clown school in Sarasota, at least while I'm in still Florida.

Oh fuck, I think the clown school closed. Dammit. I can't win today, I just can't win.

The woman who sits next to me eats Wendy's every day for lunch and wonders why she is fat.

I am going to scream. I need to get laid.

Lynnette 2:12 PM

 

It's only the first week of the year and I've already run dry of precedented words. Neat.

I am also awake at 4:38am, wondering why the hell I am awake and why surfing the net, playing around with photos, masturbating and reading have not yet put me to sleep. I despise losing sleep as it is my favorite thing in this, my existence.

Please for the love of holy fucking hell let me get to sleep NOW.

Lynnette 3:38 AM

Saturday, January 6

 

Today's precedented word is: assholishness. As in: I was totally dating this guy who I thought was cool, but my friends said he had an air of assholishness to him. It was weeks later that I realized that he was pretty damned assholish.

Lynnette 2:34 PM

 

I'm hungover and sorta crabby, here we go...

So I dunno about ... two weeks ago? I actually put an ad online. A personal ad. Yes for those lonely souls who are unable to find people in real life who really believe that I'm single and disease free. Which is SO the case.

And so, I found this ad that actually made me laugh out loud. Most of them are fucking boring. FUCKING BORING, and the men are... meh ... to look at.

And so I figured I'm gonna ask my friends who this guy is because, he looked interesting.

And so I contacted him, online, as I don't live in Lincoln at this time. We talked a bunch one night and it was fun blah blah blah. And now it's fuckin' impossible to just be able to find any time to talk to him.

Here's what I don't get: he has an online ad, yet I can't get in touch with him... online. Did I miss the line for the manual on the proper use of online personal ads? Do people use them to just go, "oh hey, I saw your ad online let's meet for coffee tomorrow?" I figured, seriously I'm full on believing this now, that online ads were for ya know.. so you could get to know someone BEFORE you make an ass out of yourself in front of them.

Aahh fuck it. I need to move.

Lynnette 8:10 AM

Friday, January 5

 

Today's precedented word: smartability. This is pretty obvious, it's just "your smarts". As in, The mongoloid's level of smartability was in question.

Lynnette 6:20 AM

Thursday, January 4

 

Graceland pictures for Matt as promised:

Lynnette 5:39 PM

 

I knew there was something I forgot to do this morning...

Today's precedented word is: weatherally. Basically in relation to, or pertaining to the weather in some aspect...

As in .. I hate it in Florida, both culturally, and weatherally.

Lynnette 5:37 PM

 

Like most bastards in the world, I hate my fucking job...

I hate crying in front of people. I fucking hate it. It appears needy, and weak and I don't like having people think of me that way at all.

But today, fuck. I miss the days of being able to come home to an empty house and just wail like a fucking baby. Nobody around to hear me. For me a good, deep, solid cry about something, if I can it all out at once, only lasts about 3 minutes. After that I usually end up telling myself aloud, "Alright, this is just getting ridiculous, stop." It works. Apparently I told my mom this once when I was very little. I don't recall this at all, it's just a reiterated memory I remember now as one of my little stories of my childhood.

She was crying about something and, being an empathetic child, I cried along with her...for awhile, then I said "That's enough now, mom." This of course changed her tears into laughter and then June Cleaver put a fucking peach pie on the window sill and everything was dandy.

I would walk away from everything I have right now, everything, if I could just be home again.

Shit. Here's a random picture:

Lynnette 4:28 PM

Wednesday, January 3

 

Candiddy wears Birks, so I can be a mage, right?

So I've come to the conclusion that I am going to openly enjoy World of Warcraft yet again. Why? Because Candice owns a pair of Birkenstocks, so she can no longer make fun of me for anything for the rest of my entire life.

Don't get me wrong, I own a pair of black leather birk shoes. They're fucking comfortable, but they don't really go with much of my wardrobe anymore. But she never believed me that they rocked. So NOW bitch is all up in the hospital's ass working all day in a pair of birks. And so it begins...again...

The first time around for me, on WoW, I made got a mage to 46, fell in love, and thusly quit playing. So now that I've ditched the lesser man, I can get back to something that is really important...creating a freakin' sweet elemental mage. Geeez. (just remember Candice in Birks, Candice in Birks...) Okay. That's the plan. I leveled to 14 in two nights, yes yes I know bravo/yousuck/whatadork/loser/awesome, whathaveyous...

But the best part about playing is that somehow I'm always the leader, I'm always calling the shots and I'm always directing the group where to go and which mobs to pull first. Last week my roommate and I spent an entire lunch hour, at Taco Bell, planning out a solid strategy to "duo" my mage with her rogue all the way to fuckin' end game, baby! Oh I fucking hate playing rogues, more than I can say. I prefer to be a nice, powerful, I'm gonna throw shit at your ass from back here, mage.

It's just.. undead mage, it's all I will play..and I'm good at it.

So stick that in your pipe.

Lynnette 6:14 PM

 

Through the end of May...

I just need to hang on, until the end of May, mostly likely before that time as I want to be up for my brother's wedding on the fifth.

Aaaaah fuck. I want to be sledding right now. Hot and sticky from laughing and running around all bundled up, with the freezing wind on my cheeks. Trying not to smile so widely because my gums are shy to the cold. Take me away.

Fuckity fuck fuck. Fuck it nnnnn dude.

Lynnette 4:35 PM

 

Today's precedented word: Polackian. As in "Imported German sauerkraut is best paired with Polackian sausage."

I have called Candice this on many occasions.

Lynnette 6:21 AM

Tuesday, January 2

 

One thing that I just do not understand...

I am an intelligent human being and I love to travel.

I love food, and I mean I love food. You wanna talk food, come sit by me. Better yet, bring me a plate of food and we can share.

I do not have a hump on my back, and I am fairly attractive, to some.

I know what offsides means and I'm a fucking tiger in the sack.

I'm affectionate and loving and very giving.

I have friends, which means I am a well liked person.

I choose my friends carefully, which means I have taste.

I'm financially independent and I know how to ice skate.

I enjoy drinking beer and my measurements are 38-32-38. Yes that means I have a bit of a pot belly.

I have long hair and can throw a mean yo-yo (once I did a yo-yo trick in lieu of paying the cover at a show...as Borat would say, very nice!).

So why is it, that I cannot get a date to save my life? Will someone please tell me, seriously...Fucking email me and tell me. I want to know. What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Lynnette 8:54 PM

 

I wonder who would win in a fight? Twiggy or R2D2. My vote is, of course, for R2D2...however, I don't think that's a fair match. Probably Twiggy and C3PO is more like it.

Then I got to thinkin', C3PO really didn't do jack shit. I mean he was R2D2's bitch. R2D2 was the butch, and C3PO was the bitch. Your thoughts please.

So I have a one track mind. Okay two; if it's not Star Wars, it's sex. Sue me.

Lynnette 2:52 PM

 

Today's precedented word: -jedicious, -jediciously, -jediciousness.
Definition: Having or exercising Jedi judgement.

Lynnette 8:08 AM

Monday, January 1

 

A treatise on Sixteen Candles

Candiddy: word. dude I totally want a chili dog
Lynnettealicious: hormel?
Candiddy: no dude hormel is meat
Lynnettealicious: oh...
Candiddy: when you come back we hae to relieve the time we had chili dogs and watched pretty in pink with veggie dogs
and chili
Lynnettealicious: DUCKIE GONE NUTS!!
Candiddy: so tot!
Candiddy: i still cant get over the fact that molly ringwald chose freaking blaine over ducky. dumb bitch.
Lynnettealicious: fuck blaine!!!
Lynnettealicious: i hated him
Lynnettealicious: hello jerk!!
Lynnettealicious: ducky was so.. oh man.. i love nerds!
Candiddy: fucking queer dude. no style. jerk. not funny!!!
Lynnettealicious: rich asshole dumb butt fucker!
Candiddy: ducky was the best. oh man . the BEST!
Lynnettealicious: but ya know... that fucking redhead probably got herpes from the rich boy. so fuck her
Lynnettealicious: I want to take Ducky home and play RISK with him.
Lynnettealicious: and then fuck him silly
Candiddy: foreal. man iwould have fucked the asshole rich guy that just wanted to bang her over the rich guy pretneding to
be a sensitive guy even
Lynnettealicious: oh tot' forealdo i'm sayin'!
Candiddy: haha. I think i"d just like to get loaded with him and then find out if he was gay!
Lynnettealicious: oh there ain't no fucking question , bitch!

Lynnette 11:12 PM

 

Let's not call them resolutions, now, shall we?

While I don't enjoy calling them "resolutions" (committing to something with resolve just sounds......hard), I'll call them:

The shit I'm gonna do this year, or at least give it one helluva shot. Long title, but maybe it'll stick.

Each day I am going to try and precedent a new word. Today the word was "stupiderester". As in "She was stupiderester than all the rest of the girls, making her a target for ridicule." I think this is a workable goal.

Also, that tattoo is going on my arm. It's happening, the second I get to Lincoln, as sort of my reward for coming full circle, seeing part of the world and generally starting over from square one. Nothing wrong with that. So yes, this year it's going to happen. I need moral support and people to talk to while I'm having it done so, if you'd like to join me, please say so.

I am planning a trip to NYC with some of the Crew members, so hopefully it'll go down this summer. This, as most things, depends entirely on our schedules coinciding with cash existing in our pockets. Could be tricky, it should happen eventually.

Also, I've made a point to make it back to Las Vegas this year. Why? Because I want to go back to Quark's Bar and have a mindmeld (a drink) while men dressed up as Klingons hit on me. I mean, hello, what is more fun than that? Plus, you get to ride the Star Trek Experience over and over and over with an unlimited pass. It's been about 5 years since I was there last and goddamnit I'm going to go again!

I want to go to Reykjavik again. Please oh please find me someone who won't mind sharing a hotel room with me? It's super cheap, and I know my way around now...oh please join me please. Especially if you're a cute boy.

Really, that's all I really need to accomplish this year...sounds like a lot of traveling...awesome.

Lynnette 6:16 PM