. . . Tupperware Cities . . .

Friday, April 23

 

Mile high, with the crackbaby. Look at me ma! It's fucking snowing here. Still. It has been snowing since yesterday. International Noise Conspiracy is tonight, which is lovely considering we all had about 3 hours of sleep last night.

Depending on who you ask the lack of sleep could be due to good ol' bonding with my crackbaby, the beer, or the fact that we sat up and watched the Mariah Carey movie Glitter. It wasn't bad. Not in an Ishtar-was-trying-to-be-entertaining-way, it just wasn't bad. It was just.....there. She was Glitter. I fell asleep after she got the record contract, so I'll have to have Amy and Steve fill me in on the rest of the plot. oh joy, i can't wait. dude glitter we watched fucking glitter.

Lynnette 9:21 AM

Thursday, April 22

 

Leavin' on a jet plane...

Although I know when I'll be back again. Our flight leaves in 3 hours for the beautiful mile-high city, the home of my Crackbaby: Denver. Some of the weekend will be spent celebrating our birthdays (me and Steve's), and part of it will hopefully be seeing Clemens LOSE! A photography exhibit visiting Denver from the People's Rebublic of China, a sushi dinner at Domo, and several shows are also on the itinerary. Sweeeeeet!

Happy Earth Day.

Lynnette 6:39 PM

Wednesday, April 21

 

Candice's Guide to Boys Part III The Queer: Your Friend-Your Enemy-The Ultimate "Frenemie"

I'd like to preempt this by saying this is of course not about all gay men, I have several gay male friends who are not this way, some who are, I'm sure you can distinguish yourself , stereotyping is necessary for this so like J Lo said in her masterpiece song Jenny From the Block-"Don't hate on me".

Yes this installment is about the gays. And while they are not a boy that a straight girl should fuck (unless you are one of those stupid bitches who thinks its appropriate to give your gay friend a blow job every now then.. stupid stupid ho do you not realize there will not be reciprocal action therefore.. hewl no!) they are still boys and will be at some point in time most likely a part of your life and thusly you should understand their inner workings.

The relationship between straight women and gay men is a very confusing delicate thing. On one hand the queers... lets face it.. are fucking fabulous. Their sense of humor is tweaked to wicked perfection. When you go out in public, they will always be dressed well, and smell good, thusly you will be a good looking pair and not have to feel like you are over dressed or too stylish next to him. They will always want to shop with you , and will know what will look good on you and give you good tips on forward thinking make up and hair styles. You can borrow each others jewelry and skin care products. And nail polish. They are also very vocal about when you look good unlike most straight boys who don't notice how fierce your new heels are or how good your new skirt makes your ass look... well they might notice that but they ain't gonna notice the skirt.. just the ass.

So who wouldn't want to be friends with a queer? They are fun!!! OH so fun. You'll laugh your freaking ass off. You'll be united in your disgust over how piggish straight men are , even though they know they are the same way only with better haircuts and nicer shoes. With all these wonderful qualities its very easy to fall into a friendship with a gay men that becomes very tight and exclusive.. best friendy.. right away. Its not like with straight male friends where ya hang ya chat, but you don't do it every day and you don't call each other 3 times a day cuz well then that's a little more confusing than friendship and then you've got a big ol can of worms to deal with which is the Friend Who Wants to Fuck You (another installment for another day) . You never have that worry with the gay men, they surely don't want to fuck you and hopefully you don't want to fuck them. Its safe. Its easy. Its a good time. You get all the funness of your girlfriends wrapped up into a good smelling package with a cock- what oh so many women dream straight men could be like (but they are not and never will be so give it up bitches you best like that clueless goon who whispers in your ear as is or you might as well take up carpet munching).

Once you're in this relationship with a queer, especially if its a tight one... you may notice suddenly you're not seeing so many straight men anymore. Why? Well cuz you're most likely going to gay bars a lot with your queer, he'll feel most comfortable there and will be looking for a booty call and since his booty call action is ALWAYS more important that your prospect.. that > is where you will be. So while you're hearing all about his conquests.. you wont be having any of that kind of fun yourself. And if your queer is a certain type of queer.. he will be glad about this. He will never say it out loud, but he does not want you to have a relationship with a straight male. Cuz that would take you away from him.. and basically if you're very tight with a queer you're in a sick sort of relationship where you act like you are dating.. you don't kiss, you don't screw, you don't feel the gorgeous feelings of love or get all excited and stomach flippy at the sight of him, but all actions otherwise point that way. You talk every night. You go on dates. You dress up for each other. You are each others emotional support/crutch. He gets jealous when you talk to another man. He wants you all to himself.. basically he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to screw to his hearts delight but doesn't have to sully those one night stands with any emotional attachment.. that's what he has you for and if you're involved with a straight man.. well then you're robbing him of that.

I don't think its an intentional thing that the straight man relationship sabotage occurs.. but it does. It is subtle. It may begin with talk of how straight men are idiots and a**holes, and then talk of how wonderful gay men are in comparison. You'll feel bonded, united. Since he cant have a healthy relationship with a man either, beyond the bedroom, he'll say something to you like "People like us cant have relationships.. we're better off on our own, we know better" etc. And you'll believe him, cuz some part of you has probably thought about that but who hasn't. And for awhile, you'll think.. yeah thats true.. well thank god I have my queer . But you'll meet a straight guy eventually-a goon, a peter pan boy, a married man, the hot guy, ethnic guy, older man, younger man, fumbly , smoothy, whoever, and you'll be like.. wait a minute.. what was queer man talking about.. After spending more and more of your time around these straight men you'll realize what your friendship with the queer was all about. Unhealthy. For you. For him too probably, but for you straight woman.. oh so unhealthy. That is ,unhealthy if you actually do want to ever have a straight man in your life or have a family or an actual real relationship. And you'll realize that the friendship with queer guy wasn't so different than a very unhealthy relationship with a straight guy.. in both ways your world is revolving around a man.. except with the queer you're not even getting a good deep dicking. Youre just getting fucked.

IM not saying all relationships with queer men are unhealthy, of course not, I can bear witness to that cuz of some of the fabulous gay men in my life where this is not an issue at all. And its not like the stuff that happens is all the Queers fault, its a two way straight like in any relationship. If you let it happen to you , you are contributing to your own undoing.

I just think that its just important to note that because a man is queer does not make him the idealized version of a straight man. He is still a man. And he may act like your girls but he is not one of the girls. He is a man.. but with the duplicitous nature of a woman. And gay men and straight men share more in common than they would like to admit.

Lynnette 3:52 PM

 

Happy Birthday to me. Fuck yeah, 29. It's going to be a good year.

Lynnette 8:53 AM

Tuesday, April 20

 

Happy Birthday Steve !!

My super-fit, highly-intelligent, super-sexy, mega-cool boyfriend's 29th birthday is today. Yes, the day before mine. Last night his family threw us an impromptu party complete with a steak dinner and 3 cakes. Three cakes: one for me, one for Steve, and another for Steve's brother whose birthday is the 17th. So all together in April there are the birthdays of Steve's brother Brian (17th), my mom-o-mom (19th), Steve (20th) and myself (21st). Strange the way things work out sometimes.

Last night we also taught Steve's 4-year-old nephew a new "game". He's our mynah bird; as most kids his age are. Steve and I were pretending to eat him alive, biting his arms and tickling him, when we came up with the new game "Donner Party". It basically consisted of a 10 second lesson to teach his nephew how to say "Donner Party!" and then run up and pretend to bite someone's arm. The humor value was worth the scolding, since the first person he went up to was Brian, his dad, and he said "Donner Party!" Brian repeated, "Donner Party, what are you doin'?" Then we heard Brian scream from the bite his son was forcing onto his stomach flab. Yes, we got in trouble.

Our birthday presents for each other will probably show themselves in Denver where we're spending the weekend with our friend, the crackbaby Amy. Going to see AIR, International Noise Conspiracy, and Roger Clemens pitch subsequently lose to the Rockies. It has all the makings of a great trip.

Lynnette 9:31 AM

Saturday, April 17

 

the 402 rides again, IFE

Turns out we were fine on getting Pixies tickets. We actually have four extra tickets; the team of ticket-buyers overlapped, just in case one method failed. Extra tickets anyone? Ha ha. Yeah, check eBay, bitches.

Busy, crazy week, as is par for the course when it comes to lack-of-blog-entry-excuses. Who cares? I don't! Received a raise at work, and I have a promotion due next month right before we move. Movin' on up....

Other than that, things are pretty chill in Eden Prairie where my ass is right now, working. We move into our new place in June, IKEA is set to open here in July, August has no holidays, and November is the Pixies show, when the 402 Positive Crew will reunite IFE, that's I-F-E, kids. You know it.

Lynnette 10:59 AM

Wednesday, April 7

 

If we get bored, we'll move to California...

Or we could just drive over to St. Paul and enjoy the Pixies show, in our "backyard", this November. Yes, that's right kiddies. They will be here in November. Tickets go on sale soon, and we are not going to miss it. No we will not.

Lynnette 4:59 PM

 

Every Fan Counts

Last night we saw the return of the Minnesota Twins to the Metrodome for the new baseball season. Peanut shells, red, white and blue buntings, beach balls, rookie catcher injuries, and finally a win after 15 innings. I'm thrilled baseball season is back!!

Steve also bought Magnetic Fields tickets, luckily the show will be down the street from us, before we move out of beloved downtown for the 'burbs.

Lynnette 11:24 AM

Monday, April 5

 

Why is the absence of speech taken for a complete negation of contentment? It just reminds me of the kids in "Good Morning", this Japanese film in which the children don't understand why the adults say hello and good morning when they aren't truly expressing the sentiment of such statements.

No, I'm not crabby. As I said when I was a kid, I'm 'neutral'.

Lynnette 8:46 AM