. . . Tupperware Cities . . .

Thursday, October 31

 

Sad Halloween, y'all

I have gone black to mourn the loss of Jam Master Jay, of Run DMC. Jason Mizell was 37 when he was shot in the head last night in his NY recording studio. My first thoughts go to his family, and then my Crack Baby, Amy. I'm not sure how she'll take this. Perhaps she's having her "Kurt Cobain" moment that I did 8 years ago. Anyhoo, click this shit and this shit.

Lynnette 8:18 AM

Wednesday, October 30

 

I am Dracula.

Lynnette 10:00 PM

Monday, October 28

 

Someone please buy Gwyneth Paltrow a fucking cheeseburger.

Lynnette 8:47 PM

 

DREAM: Burning down the house, Burnin' CDs the size of LPs

Fairly standard dream last night. Candice and I were in Junior High, although we were the same age we are now. In shop class, outside, the freaky teacher was showing us a machine he had invented: a way to burn CDs at home on his CD creating machine, which was the size of a large, brick patio grill. Only thing was the CDs came out the size of records and were warped. Whether or not they played is up for debate. There was a kid in line between Candice and myself whom we kept teasing. He was a wannabe punk kid, studded bracelets and all. I remember being younger and dressing stupid, simply for attention, or to individualize myself. (Of course what I did not realize back then was that by individualizing myself, I was simply conforming). This kid had a large nose and lots of freckles, strawberry blonde hair and a bad attitude.

Later I was trying to drive a Geo Metro up a hill and realized it had hardly enough horsepower to vavoom. Then I set a building on fire with a poorly placed fireplace, and then accidentally parked in a handicapped space.

Dullsville.

Lynnette 9:47 AM

Sunday, October 27

 

DREAM: Mixed-up Converse, Weeble-Wobble tornadoes, small children and horror scenes

I dreamt I was at a party, a dinner party of sorts. A lot of people I knew (in my dreams) were there, as well as my boyfriend. I was getting ready to leave, since I was almost late for work. I began to look fo rmy shoes; everyone there had on black low-top Converse, exactly like mine. I found a few pairs laying on the floor, and turned them over, pair by pair, to check the size: 8, 10, 5, none of them were mine. Some girl pointed across the room to me and said, "She has your shoes on." I walked over to a girl, who looked very much like myself. She politely slipped off the converse and gave them to me; they weren't even tied on. I put on my shoes, kissed my boyfriend goodbye, and walked outside.

Outside was extremely humid, summerlike, even though I knew it was late in the year. I got that feeling that someone was watching me, and when I turned around all I saw were clouds. They were starting to churn and turn black, and I knew right away that I shouldn't be outside, a tornado was inevitable. Huge glops of raindrops started to fall and turn the sidewalk to dark gray. I started running, big strides to save time, and my ass. There was a school up ahead that I could hole-up in. I saw up ahead of me, walking alone, was a small blonde boy, around 4 or 5 years old. I talked to him slowly, so as not to frighten him, and picked him up wrapped his arms around my neck and continued running for the school. We had to get indoors.

Inside the school I put the boy down and he ran for his room; he lived in an apartment downstairs with his family. I stayed on the first floor and watched the clouds out the window with the rest of the people hiding. A window that ran the length of the school looked out to the West where the clouds were coming closer, getting blacker. They were obviously spiraling at this point, and small seemingly harmless tornadoes broke off and headed directly for the school. One tornado, about 10 feet high, and see-through black whisps of air, had a shape and the suggestion of a weeble-wobble. It bounced along the ground, digging up dirt and throwing it aside. The weeble-wobble tornado bounced against the side of the building and inside we all felt he building shake. Several other baby tornados spit off and headed East for us. I remembered the little boy and tried to see where he was. An image came before me, as if my dream were on a television, and I saw the boy in the basement, near the water heater, hiding from something. I turned to Candice, who was at my side watching out the window. "I have to save the boy, Candice." She looked bored, and said, "Lynnette, cable!", and pointed out the window as if the tornadoes were nothing but television entertainment. "It's just a dream Lynnette, why do you need to save him?" I responded, "To be the hero." That was it, and I took off downstairs to find the boy. Downstairs however, they were already there.

Skeletons, of which I used to be deathly afraid of as a child, had taken over the basement and had already killed most of the boy's family. I couldn't get there in time to save them. The father was standing in the doorway of their apartment, trying to defend the boy. A skeleton lurched for him and the father was still, standing motionless. I was hiding around the corner, some hero. I watched the skeleton hold up a Slinky, stretched out, and sliced the father with the metal toy into a woman's shape whilst singing "A-Tisket A-Tasket, a green and yellow basket...." It had cut the fathers chest and stomach and hips differently, so that it appears to have the silhouette of a voluptuous woman. Suddenly the dream cut to mismatched footage of Audrey Tatou (Amelie) laughing randomly in an audience. Cutting back to the horror scene, the figure that was once the father took on Amelie's face and the theme song to Titanic began to play. I heard Celine Dion's voice, but the Amelie face mouthed the words in French.

It was just plain weird. I can't help what I dream, but I'm sure I could tell you where each part came from in my waking life.

Lynnette 9:39 AM

Saturday, October 26

 

Fe Fi Fo Ho: A Post from Candice and Nettie

Candice, Steve and I went to Enon last night at Sokol in Omaha. We arrived at the show too early, so we left with the intent of gettin' our drink on. My dad's bar was scary, as usual, and after the obligatory one beer and a "hi dad" we jetted to the Old Market. We went to the first bar we saw, it was a pub that seemed to be frequented by frat boys and old school metal-heads. We saw someone there who, to quote Nettie, "..had more split ends than I have collectively ever seen in my entire life!! Yeah it was rockin'! After we enjoyed our Guinness, and the musings of Tool, Puddle of Mudd, and the out-of-place but much needed Tom Petty ditty, we went back to the show. The person who took the tickets was a queer. Yeah, his band is probably signed to Saddle Creek. Although we entered with hesitation and I was tempted to leave Nettie and Steve to enjoy the Hispanic hoe-down upstairs, we were pleasantly surprised to find they served liquor. Booze, fuck yeah, booze. Thank god for the booze. Nettie and I did the obligatory scan of the room for people cooler than us (not possible), and for cute boys (not possible there) although Nettie only had eyes for Steve and was not scanning the room; she was just helpin' a single sistah out, see. The first band was a duo, very much unlike the talented Godhead Silo. The drummer was awesome and looked just like Wayne Coine of the Flaming Lips. The other dude sucked, as did his contributions to the songs. That fucking hair, that fucking hair. Who do you think you are? Billy Corgan circa 1985? He was obviously a queer. I scanned the room as I flatlined, listening to the songs, and this is what I saw: queers, queers, ugly dowdy girls who looked like men, an Asian, and queers. I felt like a whore because I was the only woman there (other than Nettie) who looked like a woman. That may also be because I was suckin' the ticket takers dick in between sets. Dude, you so were not. Trust me folks, she was not. We listened to their set and descended into our drunken state. TURN OFF THE FLANGER, YOU FAG! Nettie and I went to the bathroom, with the intent of peein', which we did. We also read graffiti from little girls who are calling other little girls whores. The Asian was in there; she glared at me. I was drunk. Are you done? Candice, Asian American, please! But whatever, she was a bitch. When does Enon start my friend, can we get to that part of the eve? First we must let them know about the one dollar Captain Morgan "beers", which taste of fig newtons and Evil. Must we, my friend, must we? Why must we relive that horror? Because it must be known that we were so drunk that we drank them, and bought another and drank it, and then I almost fell over. Ah, that was when I presented you with a chair, in case you needed to "rest" you drunken bafoon! So yeah, Enon started. They sounded like Brainiac with a fag at the helm. Which is good, don't get me wrong. And an Asian. And yes, Candice, an Asian on bass. They sounded much better live than on CD, but then again I was under 18 veils of drunkenness. Nettie you were very drunk at this point, too. You were doing special dances to the different songs; my favorite being the slo-mo whammy thing, you know what I'm saying? I sort of recall a slo-mo, Bionic Woman type of dance, either before or right around the time I started humping Steve's leg. Was that before or after I started pointing at all the guys in the name and calling out, "Queer, Queer, Queer, Queer, Queer"? After my friend, after. Will we attend another "all ages" show, dare I ask. No, because, A) kids suck, B) statutory rape, and C) we were the "obnoxious, drunken older punk-show veterans" that we used to hate when we were that age. So yeah, no. Agreed, we should have just hit O'Rourke's.

Lynnette 8:27 PM

Thursday, October 24

 

So you wanna learn how to knit?

Today I paid bills with my boyfriend's checking account, including, but not limited to: Target charge card, telephone, gas, and a leftover balance from my chiropractor. When I picked up my student loan payment I realized that I had lost the evelope, so I dug out an old square greeting card one that hadn't been used yet. Since I couldn't find a pen right away I reached for my hardly used box of 96 Crayola Crayons, equipped with a sharpener on the back and 8 new colors (none of which I enjoy). I wrote clearly, with a hint of kindergarten: US Department of Education, etc. I was as pleased with myself as one should be, when one is 27 and addresses an envelope bound for the government with a crayon entitled 'plum'.

Tomorrow my dear friends and I will enjoy the musical variety hour or Enon, which includes the survivors of Brainiac. Should be quite fun. Oh yes, quite, quite.

Lynnette 8:14 PM

Tuesday, October 22

 

DREAM: Rental House, Getting Shafted, Dirty Bathtub

I dreamt last night that 2 coworkers, Pily and Andy, and myself had rented a house. I was busy at work when they called with the news. After work I rushed over to the address they had given me, which I found in a neighborhood that seemed a bit out of our range. Turns out the house was only $750 a month! I walked inside to find all wood floors, and a living room with a cathedral ceiling. The second floor where the bedrooms and main bathroom were had a small balcony that overlooked the living room, which was still lacking furnishings. I hiked upstairs to check out the bedrooms, all wood floors, of course. My coworkers had already been moving their stuff in all day and even some of my belongings, which was thoughtful of them. I went into the first bedroom. It had to be at least 50 feet in length and wide enough that even when Andy had all his furniture in there, there was still plenty of empty space. Next door was the bathroom, clean white tiles, bright long windows, tub with claws. Everything looked so clean and new, despite the house being fairly old. Next to the bathroom was Pily's room, which looked exactly like Andy's in terms of available empty space, yet with different furnishings. Well, I couldn't wait to see mine. I opened the door to the third bedroom, which sat at the end of the balcony, near the stairs. I peeked in. My bed was set up as well as a dresser; but after that there wasn't much space to even fart. I was shocked, upset, disappointed that I was stuck with the shitty small room, simply because I was at work when the move-in had begun. One thing did strike me as odd: in the corner was a lawn statue, antique and metal, of a jockey standing, saluting. Outside on our lawn I sat down and tried to take it all in. Why the fuck did I have to have the tiny bedroom?! Someone came up to talk to me, and asked if I knew how much the lawn ornament was worth. I was clueless, it looked like rusty junk to me. The man offered me $10,000, and after a slight hesitation I accepted. Suddenly the tiny bedroom wasn't all that bad.
I wanted to relax in a nice hot bath, so I trekked upstairs to the clawed tub. The shower curtain was a Return of the Jedi flat sheet for a double bed, and the tub itself was lined with the matching fitted sheet. A catbox was sitting in the tub, probably for Pily's cat. I took it out with the intention of leaving it in the basement. I picked up the fitted sheet and found the inside of the tub to be rusted, peeling, and formerly navy blue. It stunk a bit, too. I wanted a hot bath so bad I cleaned the damned thing right then and there.

Lynnette 7:38 AM

Monday, October 21

 

Why Minneapolis rules...

I came across the first issue of Eightball when I wasn't even looking for it.
I found a record by John Jacques Perry and Gershon Kingsley called "The In Sound From Way Out", using the Jenny Ondioline and other such instruments. Mint condition.
A girl gave up her chair to me at First Avenue so my friend Amy and I could sit together at a table.
It has an Indian buffet in Calhoun.
Ragstock; all the corduroys a girl could ask for, and then some.
It has culture. It has Let It Be Records, Keys Restaurant, Nicollet Mall, First Avenue, Lunds's Grocery, and lakes.
The orchestra performs Dvorak on a regular basis.
One word: skyways.

Lynnette 3:10 PM

 

My dear friend Candice is speaking to me again, I am pleased. I hope she knows that I am truly sorry, and that I realize what I did was extremely disrespectful of our friendship. She should know that she is very near and dear to me, and because I have known her nearly 13 years I sometimes take her for granted and forget how important she is to me. So, my darling bitch, I am sorry.

Lynnette 9:57 AM

 

Happy Anniversary Dearest.

Lynnette 9:02 AM

Sunday, October 20

 

Back from Minneapolis, and Prefuse 73...

As usual, Minneapolis was awesome. Great shopping, super nice people, and it even snowed while we were there. The show, oh yeah, I went to a show. I have one thing to say about the Prefuse 73 show: BOOOOOOOOOOORRING!!! Just before we made it home I said, "Oh yeah, we went up there for a show didn't we?" It had slipped my mind. After waiting through the first DJ, and most of the Prefuse 73 'set' we decided our time was better spent on Nicollet. Another day of Calhoun, of course, and Indian buffets. Now I'm back home with my sweetie, and I can't fucking wait to move to Minneapolis!

Lynnette 10:12 PM

Saturday, October 19

 

DREAM: Bo Rics, Thaiwanese Restaurant, Torture

So I dreamt I was working at a Bo Rics. You know, one of those white trash hair cut joints that live inside Kmarts, excpe this one was at the basement level. Not only was I working at aBo Rics but I was also wearing a red cotton vest that had a fake tie in the back, and some type of 80s attire, along the lines of tight, faded black jeans. I was the supervisor on duty and some lady called in complaining about her hair cut; it looked fine yesterday and now it just looks awful, to paraphrase her bitching. I asked who did her hair, and she responded Evelyn. Two things ran through my mind: "of course your hair probably looks awful lady, you got it cut at Bo Rics in a Kmart", and "which Evelyn cut her hair" since I had two employees named Evelyn. I checked the schedule and called Evelyn W. over and explained to her that we had an upset customer, and that she would have to redo her haircut free of charge. Why the fuck was I working at a Bo Rics?

Later I was walking around a mall area, not unlike Calhoun Square in Minneapolis where everything is indoors, and slightly cave-like from the light distribution. A friend of mine (not known in my waking life) and I were wandering around looking for a new Asian restaurant we had heard so much about. The type of food was known as Thaiwanese, which was also the name of the restaurant. We stepped inside the Asian fusion restaurant to find a seat. Rather than tables there were beds, set up like a furniture display room; headboards to the wall, rows on either side of the room facing each other. The beds were turned down hotel-style, with one corner of the sheet underneath spilling over the comforters, which were all different colors and patterns. The beds I did like turned out to be twins only, and we needed a double. We then found the perfect bed to eat at; double, blue-design comforter, and with a metal rack on top of the bed for our plum sauce dishes, and carrot slicing machine. Don't ask me, I just dream this shit.

Later I was back at work at Bo Rics, and everyone went on break. The "bitch" from Oz came in and was torturing me by making me sit by a television and listen to that high pitched noise they always make when they're on, but the volume is all the way down. The bitch then proceeded to electrocute me with the television and a metal wire he had ripped from the wall. Then the assult began. Slapping, hitting, nail clawing, I couldn't stop him. All I could do was scream. But the Bo Rics was down in the Calhoun Square cave, so no one could hear me well from the street above.

Lesson learned: Do not work at Bo Rics.

Lynnette 7:18 AM

Tuesday, October 15

 

It has been requested that the last post be clarified. The term "my Steve" does not refer to Steve Malkmus, formerly of Pavement. (Are you happy dork?)

And no, I don't love you only because your name is Steve. I love you for many other reasons.

We don't have arguments, and stop eating Doritos off the floor!

Lynnette 9:49 PM

 

DREAM: New York, 3-pound rats, Platte River, my Steve

I was in New York City with Steve, in an area of town where the facades of the buildings were Wall Street/Fifth Avenue, and directly behind the buildings, in the alley, was definitely Queens. In that area the alley was formed by several buildings crowding around one block, boxing in the riff raff, causing a square-shaped alley. The buildings were all skyscrapers, and immaculately covered in glass and brass. On the fire escape behind one of the buildings I showed Steve what I had created; 3-pound rats. They were as big as cats, and all white, skinny and mean as hell. We were ten floors up so we spit over the edge to see one rat's reaction. When the spit hit the pavement it jumped on it like a predator. Someone started chasing us and we had to ride the elevators up and down from the first floor to the tenth, over and over again. At one point we exited the elevator right into the alley in the back. We were fenced in with the 3-pound rats. (I'm thinking my cat must have been crawling on my head during this dream.)

I was rollerblading around my neighborhood, after work to relax. The house I was living in had all white walls and was directly near the Platte River which was a shallow creek, crossed by 2 rows of wooden planks that gave the gesture of bridges. I skated over one bridge slowly, hearing the water hit my wheels. I said aloud, "Platte," as I crossed, just as Candice would have done. On the other bridge I crossed toward home, again saying, "Platte." When I reached home I found 2 of my roommates just coming in the door complaining about money. Both girls in my dream were actually former coworkers, neither one of them were close friends of mine. The first girl was sitting in the middle of the beige-carpeted stairway dumping her piggy bank upside down, pouting. I said to her, "Now, Krista, did we utilize the B-word?" As a response we both said at the same time, "Budget." Mine was a bit more 'you should work on that', hers was definitely an 'i know.'

Lynnette 7:52 AM

Saturday, October 12

 

DREAM: Amusement park with Candice, On the set of a Prince video

My best friend Candice and I went to an amusement park, that seemed to be in another world, or maybe just underground. It was one of those places that people iddn't think existed, like the Lost City of Atlantis. Mostly we walked around, took in the sights, then right before we were about to leave we decided to take in a few rides. The first one we rode was a large black disk, with etchings in it, about 100 feet across. Candice got on, buckled herself in, and right as I attempt to board the disk it took off. Rotating, and swirling around, with always one part of it touching the ground. I was hanging onto the edge with one hand, which felt as if any moment it was going to slip off. Somehow I managed to hang on until the ride was over and make it safely to the ground. Decidely it was not amusing.

Then we heard, in the distance (as people do in dreams, or when the plot is about to change), Prince songs, in particular "When You Were Mine." I LOVE that song. We walked toward the sound, and found ourselves on the set of Prince's video for the song. I couldn't believe it. We had finally found Prince. In all our trips to Minneapolis and not finding his house, here he was hanging out at an amusement park filming a video. A crowd had formed to watch, and Candice and I were lucky enough to be chosen to help out. We ran equipment, cameras, lights. Prince was very thankful for us.

DREAM: Pier 1 Imports...inside a Walmart

I was shopping at Pier 1, which was located inside of a Walmart, for some reason; mall-style. The seasonal item was dark-red wood Ancient Egyptian sexual furniture. Yes, you heard me right. Candice's sister and brother-in-law were shopping with me, yet they were completely naive to the intent of the furniture. I hopped up there was looked around at the pieces; very beautiful, intricate, interlaced pieces, chairs, candlesticks, wall decorations, rugs. I chose to sit on a sturdy hardbacked chair, that had a piece of metal protruding from the middle of the seat out in front. The metal was about 8 inches long, an inch wide, flat, and attached on a hinge to the chair just under the seat. The person sitting could then move the piece back and forth and stimulate your clitoris. There were other pieces of furniture there which people the user into diferent sexual positions and what not. It was all very interesting. Then as the three of us left, I helped a blind man find his grandson who was calling for him down an aisle. Then I asked the sister if she thought my brother was depressed. She replied, "Well in working with the Kung Fu Kindergarteners I can tell you he is."

Lynnette 10:33 AM

Tuesday, October 8

 

HAWAII ?!?

Found out recently that I may be privvy to a trip to Hawaii come Spring. Lesson learned: date someone who has parents in the travel industry.

Lynnette 8:43 AM

 

DREAM: Sullivan's Travels, Spanish, work

Last night I dreamt I was in a large auditorium where they were showing an old black and white picture, something marvelous like Sullivan's Travels. A supervisor of the event came up to me and asked if I would translate the plot to a group of Hispanic people in the back row. They weren't sitting in rows, but in a group of collected chairs about 10 feet behind the last row, separated. I had seen the movie before so it wasn't hard. I told them the story, as it went along. My Spanish vocabulary wasn't fabulous, but my accent was excellent. After awhile I sat in the back row, in front of a very young punk boy who kept fondling my hair. It was harmless so I let him do it. I figured, besides, if I needed to I could totally kick his ass. A fire or some such tragedy broke out in the building, and the crowd fled. Scattering in all different directions, I ended up at work; in my dream my job was a clerk at a health food store, like Akin's, but it was the size of a chain-grocery store. I remember being extremely upset that I had to work on Halloween, since I heard through the grapevine that the new season of Twin Peaks was going to premiere that night. I was furious, and yelled about the store, hearing my voice echo against the wall near the produce section.

Later on I was at my "normal" job, at a desk, in front of a computer. The family of a guy I work with stopped by for a visit, and was looking over everyone's shoulders as they worked. On my screen was my new Sims game which I have been playing quite a bit lately. Even in my dream I was clicking here and clicking there to change moods, buy furniture, and kill people off. I remember being bored with the whole scene and drinking four glasses of Acidophilus milk to pass the time.

Lesson learned: Take your vitamins before bed and I remember my dreams. Whether it's psychological or physical, it works for me.

Lynnette 8:40 AM

Thursday, October 3

 

Single and loving it...

Last night was my first night sleeping alone in months. Dumped you ask? Hardly. My boyfriend is out of town for two days, and you know what they say: "When the cat's away..." Well this mouse won't be out whoring around, but rather catching up on my sleep and reading.

Crack Baby and myself are planning a trip to visit the ever-lovely Minneapolis, where she will be dragging me to a Prefuse 73 show, rather than the original plan of seeing a Lou Barlow acoustic set. Had we been the WonderTwins we would have activated our WonderTwin powers, and I would have turned into an ice jet, she the form of a gorilla. With these powers in hand we would have been able to be at two shows at once. While I am not a fan of Prefuse 73, Amy is. Since she's driving in my Denver I figured she should have some control over the itinerary that weekend. Also, there's nothing wrong with giving them a second chance. We also considered the hottie factor. While the Lou Barlow should would be one of the highlights of my life, seeing a new band live is its own reward.

Lynnette 12:10 PM